Yay, I’m here now, more than ever, and feel like I am living an actual life. But for long swaths of time, especially when the black dog visited, I did not feel wholly alive, watched myself and the rest of the world from very far away.
That is one of the reasons I hesitated to dive into permanent relationships and to have kids. I didn’t want to be a psychological fraud, an emotional huckster who would be forced to feign not just love, but the sense of being alive and present, to those who needed me. Before I met my wife-to-be 27 years ago, Dr. S, one of my better shrinks, pointed out that there was obviously someone real, an actual Dan Fleshler, who felt moral compunction about pretending to be real. “Where does that come from?” he asked. “Who’s feeling that? Where’s Dan?” [Read more…] about Hypoglycemia Chronicle #2: “Where’s Lillie?…Where’s Dan?”